And Baby makes 4

Bennett is here, has been here for 7 months now! He was born April 27th at 7:36 am. 8lbs 2oz of pure baby goodness!
Wow, what a whirl wind of change he has brought to our family. A wonderful change but a change. Noah is in love with him and it makes my heart flutter as this was a HUGE worry for me when I was pregnant. I couldnt ask for a better big brother! He hates to hear him cry and wants to make him better any chance he can get. It is really so precious the way his little 3 year old mind works sometimes.

I really wanted to document the night that I had Bennett because 7 months into it and I think I am already beginning to forget some of the special memories of the day.
I will start with Wednesday April 24: I had my 39 week appt. with my OB. Everything was measuring on track with no issues however he has already told me he really didnt want me to go past my due date with Bennett because I had Noah one day after he was due and he was 8lbs 7.5oz and that was about all I could handle. The one wives tale that has truth to it is that babies do get bigger with each birth the mother has, so Bennett was set to be bigger if he was allowed to stay in there after my due date. So we went ahead and scheduled a induction for April 29, which was my due date. I was reluctant to set it because more than anything I wanted to go into labor on my own. On God's timing, on my body's timing, on Bennett's timing. I had been praying for it my whole pregnancy, but also trust my Dr. and when he said he would prefer me not to go past my due date, I agreed.

Thursday, April 25: Pretty much a normal day, Noah had school and since my induction was scheduled I went shopping while he was there to enjoy my last day alone! when I picked him up we told his teachers that the next time they saw him he would be a big brother, (my induction was set for Monday and he wouldnt go back to school until Tuesday). We went home and had a normal evening at home.

Friday, April 26: I was woken up really early that morning around 2 or 3 with contractions. Nothing too unbearable and no where close to consistent, but they were there and it kept me awake off and on through out the early morning. Allen went to work that morning and I continued to have contractions, like one every two hours or something. Allen called and asked if Noah and I would want to go to Lowe's and Co-op just to get out of the house. I agreed so we went and walked around while Allen shopped for work, I can remember walking out of Lowes, walking extremely slow and waddling because I was hugely pregnant but also because while we had been there the contractions were getting more regular. I got a text from a friend asking if we would want to go to dinner that night, kind of as a last hurrah, before baby number two. I wanted to go so bad, but I was just getting more and more tired as the day wore on. Waking up at 2am takes a toll on a girl, add in contractions randomly through out the day and I was shot, I told her no and we got take out hibachi food and came home. We ate and I just rested in my recliner. I looked at the clock and it was around 7 and I realized I hadnt had any contractions in several hours, so I assumed it had all passed. Whatever "it" was. My mother in law called me around 8ish that night and as my phone was ringing I was having a pretty "good" contraction. The first one in hours! I talked to her and told her what had just happened but that it was the first one in a while so I didnt expect anything to come of them. 
I went to bed around 10 or so that night since I was so exhausted from waking up so early.

Saturday, April 27:  I woke up at 12 to pee, because God prepares you for waking up often with a newborn by the urge to pee every hour or being horribly uncomfortable while you sleep. As soon as I stood up I was hit with a hard contraction. I stood there to "get over it", as the pain subsided I went to the bathroom and came back to bed. I was so tired I went right back to bed. Around 1 am, I woke up again to go to the bathroom and as soon as I stood up the same thing happened, but when I got back in bed and laid down, nothing. Repeat this a third time around 2 am. By this time, to be really honest, I was getting super annoyed. If I wasn't going to be able to sleep for a second night in a row, I just wanted to have the baby already. I put together that my contractions seemed to come if I was upright so I went in to the living room to sit in my recliner. I turned the TV on and as you can guess there isnt much on TV at 2 am. The only thing I could find that wasn't an infomercial was ironically the movie "Baby Momma" so I sat and watched that. I was having contractions more often but not consistent. My OB said to come to the hospital when I was having contractions that lasted for 1 minute each, 5 minutes apart consistently for an hour. My contractions were anywhere for 9 minutes apart to 20 minutes apart. I finally moved to the couch when I got to the 20 minute mark and did get another 30-40 minutes of sleep but then I was woken up by another contraction. I started timing them again and they were going from 9 minutes to 7 to 6 to 4 back up to 15 down to 8. I mean these things were every where but not consistently 5 minutes apart. They were coming so hard though that I could do nothing to make the pain go away. I finally got down on the floor, on all fours and tried natural methods I had seen on TV, they really did help but this girl wanted an epidural and I decided I didn't care if the hospital sent me home because I wasn't really in labor, I was going in because this mess HURT! I went in to wake up Allen, by this time it was around 4:30 in the morning. I told him he probably needed to call his mom to come sit with Noah because I was really hurting. His 'I am super sleepy and dont want to get out of bed comment'..."Are they consistent?" When I told him no, he said "Well do you think we should wait a little longer" and as I was about to say that I guess we could wait a little bit longer, the mother of all contractions (or so I thought) came and I said "No I am REALLY hurting and I want to just go" He calls his mom and we get our things together, we get in the car maybe around 5:15ish. As we are backing out, Allen says all excited "This is like we are leaving for vacation! You know? Since we are leaving so early?" I was having a really bad contraction as he was talking and totally turned into "that woman in labor" and said "Just drive and HURRY!"
We got to the hospital and since it was only 5:30 or so the L&D desk wasnt open yet so we had to go in through the ER. The man up front saw me waddling in and said "You gonna have that baby today?" and I said "it looks like it..." and he pointed us to the desk with a girl to sign in. We sat with her for several minutes and I had zero contractions the whole time I was with her, so I know she thought I was one of the crazy girls who thinks they are in labor because they have a gas pain. I say this because she let me WALK to the L&D dept! No wheel chair for this girl, she didnt even offer me one until when we started walking towards the door, I had a contraction that brought tears to my eyes and Thank the Lord, Jesus that there was a hand rail beside me because I squeezed it for all it was worth. By that time I was embarrassed (I dont know why, but I was and wouldnt take the wheelchair) In the two minutes it took us to get to L&D, I had another contraction and Allen said "these are a lot faster than every five minutes!" We get to my room and my nurse tells me to change into the gown and she would be back in to check me.
When she came back in she pulled up my information and saw that I was scheduled for an induction on Monday so my order for my epidural was already in the computer (Thank you Lord!) She goes to check me and says "Ok, sweetie, well I am going to run out here and get your IV and we will get that epidural for you" she was on her way out of the door and I asked "where am I at?" (as far as dilated) I thought it was so odd that she didnt tell me when she checked me because EVERY one tells you how far you are dilated after they check you. She was literally already at the door walking out of my room by this point and she poked her head around the curtain and smiled and said "You are at like an 8, but you are doing SOOO good!" She purposely didn't tell me what I was dilated to because she thought I would freak out!

I started laughing and said "well I guess you aren't sending  me home then!" She comes back in with two other nurses and they immediately start poking and prodding me and asking me a ton of questions. Everything had to be done really quickly if I was going to get an epidural before this baby came. They worked quickly, and called my doctor and he said he was on his way. (Another HUGE blessing because I really really wanted him to deliver, I think all mommas do. I mean you spent 9 months with these doctors and you want them to be there to the end with you!) The anesthesiologist came in and gave me my epidural just in time because the contraction that came when I sat up really WAS the mother of all contractions! I had uncontrollable tears streaming down my face. When my doctor got there I was dilated to a 10 but my water still had not broke on its own, so he broke it only to find meconium. A huge concern for Bennett's little lungs. They had to call in NICU to be on stand by in case he had breathed in any of it. I pushed for 45 minutes, which was such a wake up call for me considering with Noah I literally pushed 3 times, like 3 10 second counts and he was here. I was getting so frustrated, so you mommas that push for hours and hours, I tip my hat to you! Finally Bennett arrived in this world at 7:36 am, less than two hours after we got checked in at the hospital. He was perfect and thankfully was not in need of NICU since he did not aspirate anything. 8lbs 2 oz and 20.5 inches long. Beautiful!
The nurse told me he was the 236th baby that they had delivered that month! Spring 2013 was a BUSY baby season!
He is such a blessing, and more than I could have ever asked for! I am truly blessed with all my boys :)

 

Three plus one

Wow, I haven't done this in a while! I feel so out of touch! I am excited to try to start this up again though, why I decided now when I am 5 weeks, give or take, away from having a newborn I have no idea but I did.



When Allen and I first started talking about having a second child life was easy. Noah was awesome, no behvior issues, went to bed pretty much on his own, was about to start school (AKA Mother's Day Out) in the fall and we were a few months away from his 2nd birthday. It seemed to be the right time for us, I had always said I didnt want there to be too much time in between our children, if we were blessed enough to have a second. So we took the plunge. Right after Noah's second birthday we found out we were expecting again. We were excited and scared all over again, just like we were when we found out that we were expecting Noah. We found out a few days before we were going to take a road trip to Maryland to see my aunt and family.

When we got back from that trip however, Noah totally went into the dreaded "terrible twos" (and I am aware that people say three's are worse but we haven't gotten there yet so humor me and let me think that his two's are bad) It was Labor day weekend to be exact and we were supposed to be getting together with our friends for a breakfast outing. We had to skip out because Noah had temporarily lost his mind! We literally thought he was sick because of the way he was acting. He was throwing is body around on the floor every time we would ask him what was wrong. He was crying/screaming for no reason. And it was like he just woke up that morning and a beast had taken over our precious little guy. I was all prepped and ready to call the doctor the next morning to make an appt. for him to find out what was hurting him, but as the day progressed, we realized there wasn't a thing wrong with him, this was just the first of many "fits" he would throw because he was in a bad mood or he wasn't getting what he wanted. We had officially entered the terrible twos and I was about 5 weeks pregnant. Had this behavior started about a month and a half earlier, there is a good possibility that this precious little baby boy growing inside of me now, would NOT be there. I dont think I would have been able to fathom having a second child with Noah in this funk that he was in. So, God really does have a sense of humor. It was kind of like him saying to us "so... you STILL think you are ready for that second baby you got growing in there??"

While it sent me into a panic thinking about how in the world I was going to be able to deal with this monster child I now had AND a newborn, we pushed through (Not that there was anything else we could do) but he started school very soon after this and wow, is all I can say. What a difference 9 hours a week makes for him (and Mommy). While we had a rough start, for about two weeks, he quickly began to love school and now asks to go just about every day! And the progress he has made is amazing! He is such a different little boy, a lot of people have commented on how much he has changed since he started and we notice it too. (I really could go on and on about how great I think programs like this are for kids but I won't.)
Noah definitely still has his days where I think I might just walk out of the house and not come back for a few days but for the most part he is a good little guy. We certianly have a hard-headed, strong willed 100% BOY on our hands but I know he is going to be an awesome big brother.

I do have to laugh a little at how people still want to give you their 2 cents on parenting when you are pregnant with your second. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of helpful advice that I have received and been utterly grateful for and I also by no means think I am an expert on parenting because I have one 2 year old but why do people only want to tell you how scary it is going to be when you bring that second one home? Like I haven't thought, panicked, cried, and prayed about that already? I feel like that is any second time mom's worry is "what is it going to be like when we bring this baby home?" "am I going to be able to love the second one as much as I do the first?"  "Will I have time for two children? Will the first one feel like mommy abandoned them for this new baby?" and since our new baby is not here I don't have one answer to any of those questions but I am hopeful and faithful enough to know that somehow we will figure it out. We have raised one child, AKA kept one child alive and healthy, for two and a half years, we will figure this two kid family stuff out too! Yes it may take a long while and I know in the deepest part of my body that there are going to be a lot of hard and trying days ahead but for now I want to look at the positive side of it. We have been blessed to be the parents of two boys, and all we can do it raise them to the best of our ability and make sure God is first in their lives and that they know we love them. The bad days will come and we will just have to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm together, because in just a matter of weeks we will begin the journey of party of 3 going to party of 4, and we couldn't be more excited!

Toddlers change your life

So Noah is now 15 Months...SAD :*(...My Baby is growing up WAY too fast!!

Over the course of 15 Months, my life has changed and I have noticed a few things that others will possibly enjoy so I thought I would share.

A few way Toddlers change your life:

1. You miss the days when you could go to the bathroom on your own
2.  Your idea of a "nice" restaurant is somewhere loud so if the kids get upset, no one else notices
3.  Every time you go to clean the house, Barney's "Clean Up" song gets stuck in your head
4.  You know what the "Hot Dog Dance" is
5.  Your house looks like you are running a day care when you only have one 15 months old (oh wait...maybe that is just me...oops!)
6.  Every time you hear the word "noodle" all you can hear in your head is Elmo's voice saying "Mr. Noodle"
7. You know who Mr. Noodle is
8. You find yourself watching kids shows and are actually getting in to them when you notice that you are by yourself because the kids left a LONG time ago

 

But I wouldn't trade that face for all the bathroom privacy in the world!!!  :)

Mexico: The Sequel

Oh long time no post; I know I know. It has been SO busy, and all my posting time has gone to...are you ready for this...sewing! Ahh! Allen got me a sewing machine for our anniversary, and before you flog him for getting my such a "lame gift with a plug", I wanted it! I asked for it! I was sooo excited! :)

I really enjoy it but it has taken all of thinking/writing time! I just finished all of my niece's (AHHH let me bask in that statement a minute....I am going to be an AUNT!!  AAHHH!! Allen's sister is due on Christmas day with our sweet little Hadley Lyn and I can't wait to get my hands on that baby!!) baby shower gifts and so before I start my next few projects, I thought I might try to catch my friends up.

The end of September Allen and I went with two other couples to Mexico for a week to an all inclusive resort. We really had an amazing trip! The resort was quaint but had everything we needed, and I was able to fulfill two of my dreams with-in a 12 hour time span!

First, I got to hold a MONKEY! Yes a real monkey, Oh my goodness it was the cutest thing! They were of the little variety (I have NO clue) but unfortuantely the resort took the pictures and we weren't able to get back down to the place to buy the pictures before we left, but more on that later.

The second... you ready? I just dont know if you are...I got to release a baby sea turtle into the ocean!!! OMG, OMG, OMG. Like seriously, I got to hold this tiny, precious creature that could possibly live until it is like over 100 years old in my hand and put him (or her) on the beach and watch him (or her) crawl its way into the ocean!
When I was little, my Grandmother lived in Satellite Beach, FL and one summer while visiting, her friend's husband took my cousin, me, and his children to the beach one night and we went on a hunt for sea turtles. Now we were not hunting to keep them, or kill them, we were hunting to try to find a momma turtle to watch her lay her eggs. We found one that night, watched her find her spot on the beach dig her hole, and watched her lay over 100 eggs. But of course I never got to see one after they hatched. Until this trip! There were 140 baby turtles and every couple could get a baby and release it. It was seriously such an awesome experience!

We also went to see Tellum, the only Mayan Ruins that are near a beach. It was really neat to see. After that we went on a zip line, rappelling, and snorkeling in an underground cave, a very fun day, until we got back to the resort and got ready for dinner.

That is me WAYY up there!!

 

Before we went into the cave

 The whole trip Allen called our trip Honeymoon 2: The Sequel ; For those of you that don't know, we went to Cabo, Mexico for our honeymoon, and Allen got food poisoning 4 days into it. So the joke of the trip was it could be "honeymoon 2: The Sequel" but not a repeat.
Go big or go home right? Well....more on that later...
Allen never has dinner Wednesday night after we got back from our excursion because he was sick. He never left the room all day Thursday because he was sick. I tried to get him to eat something, I think all he managed to eat were two rolls and a mini bite of a non seasoned-baked chicken breast. By 7:20 Thursday night Allen had made that decision that he felt like it was time to pay the $130 for the resort doctor to come and check him out because he has been sick for 24 hours at this point and wasn't getting any better. I will save you all the details of his illness, but lets just say it wasn't pretty.
May I add in the side note here that I do NOT handle stress well. I was a complete mess extremely stressed out and crying uncontrollably.
The doctor comes to check him out and does his exam and tell us that he thinks we need to "discard his appendix" (Insert more uncontrollable tears here) We were 99% sure that it was not appendicitis since Allen had not once vomited, so we convinced the doctor to give Allen two shots and if he wasn't feeling better in about two hours we were supposed to call him and go to the hospital for Xrays and blood work.
The doctor left the room and I left soon after to go try to get us a flight home. We wanted Allen to be home if anything was getting "discarded" from his body.
Trying to switch flights was a whole 'nother set of uncontrollable tears because while they weren't being mean to me, they wanted to charge us over $1000 just to change flights to leave ONE day early. I told the lady as nice as I could, thank you for your help but I would be purchasing new tickets instead of transferring as I could buy two brand new tickets for $700.
By the time I get the flight booked, a cab set up to pick us up, and my in-laws in line to pick us up in Atlanta (we decided the less time in the air was better even if it meant a three hour car ride home) it was around 11:15 and I still had to pack my stuff and Allen's stuff, our flight was leaving at 7:15am and the cab would be at the hotel at 5am.
I finally laid down around 12:45 or so, had a wake up call set for 3:30am and slept terrible, for the few hours I did sleep.
I had several break downs after I woke up because I was just so nervous and anxious, I didn't know what was wrong with Allen, I wasn't sure if he was going to be able to sit up and make it on a 2 and a half hour plane ride, it was just all too much for me and not enough sleep.
But sometimes I think God sends me signs to calm my anxious heart because He knows I am too stressed, too anxious, too whatever to sit and be still and listen for Him. But yet He knows I so desperately need Him at that moment. As long as I have my eyes and heart open enough to see it, I know that He is there and that morning He was there.
Backing up to when we first got to the resort, there was this sweet little animal that they called a Mexican Raccoon, it had the coloring of a raccoon but a long nose like an anteater. They were all over the resort and they were so cute! We only saw them the first couple of days and then we hadn't seen them since, except the morning Allen and I left.
We walked out of our door and down the hall and bit and I saw something out of the corner of my eye and when I looked again it was the raccoon. In the hallway of the resort! It saw us and turned and ran the direction we were walking and it stopped about half way down the hall and turned and looked back at us, almost as if it was waiting on us saying "Come on! This way!!" 

This was taken when we saw him the first time but this little guy

 

was all I needed 

It was all I needed that morning, I instantly felt everything lifted from my body. Thank you Lord Jesus for the little things!!
We got in the cab, and on that plane and Allen made it fine. He started feeling bad when we landed in Atlanta but it was OK because we were in America and almost home!

Allen is fine now, and Needless to say I think this Jones family is done with Mexico for a while! We will stick with the States for a vacations for a while!
Not to mention we missed our little man!!! :)

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to Allen and me! :) 4 years!! It really seems like yesterday that we just met through mutual friends, (Yes, all credit goes you Larry)    :)
4 years ago today right about now 11:30 am I had just gotten my hair finished and was heading to the church to get my make up done and then to put on my dress, we were having our pictures done before the ceremony and Allen and I got to have a "moment" of just him and I at the front of the altar before all of the mayhem started.
There were really very few things I would have changed about our wedding, I wish I would have gotten the other dress that I fell in love with that was trumpet style, I would have gotten my bridesmaids a tea length style that would have been more possible for them to wear again, and I would have wanted my mom to be on time and someone else to do her hair (DON'T get me started on her hair) but really I think that might be it. I am sure that there are other things here and there I wish had or hadn't happened but all in all things went perfect and we couldn't have asked for better weather! It was beautiful!!

It is funny when I think back because 10 years ago, I didn't even know Allen. 10 years ago he was a freshman in college and I was a senior in High School, the same High School that we had attended together for two years and never once met or knew each other existed.

But all along God knew that we were for each other and we would be together. It makes me happy that somewhere out there Noah has a wife waiting for him to meet her, she may or may not already be born yet but God knows who she is and it makes me happy that one day they will meet and know they are for each other. I pray that this is an easy find for him and although I know there will be heartbreaks and heartaches along the way that he has few and finds her quickly.

I have been through a lot of ups and downs in my life and Allen led a much different life, so he definitely keeps me grounded when my anxieties want to come creeping back into my life. We are so silly together but it makes me smile when I think about how much fun we have when we are together, we truly do have a good time together and enjoy each others company.
When I met Allen I was at a really low point in my life, I really didn't have a lot of good friends, I was single, I had just started a new job a few months earlier and when weekends came it meant me staying home by myself. My world completely changed the night I met him  seven and a half years ago and it literally hasn't stopped since, I love you Allen Jones and I pray for many, many more years together of laughs, smiles, hugs, and kisses!!

I had just put my dress on for the first time :)

This has always been on of my favorite pictures, it is like we are saying "We did it!" Can you believe it?!"

Classic Allen just did something face, Classic Alicia is not amused face  :) ha ha

My Lack of OCD

So I will admit it, our house is not always clean. Most of the time there are toys scattered across the house with a random dog toy here and there. The sink almost always has dishes in it, not because we dont clean them, but because the second I start the dishwasher a cup appears from nowhere and thus starts the "pile" again in the sink. There is often a layer a dust in one room or another. The floors are generally clean for like 30 minutes and then Allen comes tromping through or Noah spills something and gets them dirty again. Our bathroom...ugghh.. I don't even want to go there. Our baseboards probably haven't been cleaned since before Noah was born. (Embarrassing, but we are all friends here right?) The windows...Seriously Lord only knows.
I do clean, I really do. Going by the previous paragraph you are probably thinking you need to call DCS on us but I promise our house is no rat hole, it is just not spotless. And honestly, I have become OK with that.
I clean what I can, when I can and that is all I can do. I feel like I am surrounded by friends who have cleaning OCD and can't stand for there to be one fork in the sink or one speck of dirt on their floor. All I can say is don't judge me because I am not like that.I wasn't raised in a home like that and I didn't grow into that kind of adult. I am sorry.
I have learned the word "clean" has many different definitions depending on who you are talking to, my definition changes depending on who is or isn't coming over to our house that day :)
A few days ago, a friend told me to be thankful that I didn't "have" to clean the garage windows or dust the bedroom every single day. But it did make me think how funny it is that sometimes while I wish I had a little MORE "need" to clean, apparently there are others that wish they had much less.
Just another example of how we are all made different for a reason, and how neither side is right or wrong, but for those of you that are the clean freaks, just don't hate me because there are toys in the floor, dust on my baseboards, and dishes in my sink. :)

Jealousy

Growing up, I thought I was the only one in the world. I was surrounded by wonderful people and no one else was like me. Now that I am older, I have found that there are a lot more people than I thought that had a similar situation that I had and it makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin. Well, a little more comfortable anyways.
I will admit, I am jealous of those around me that have these awesome relationships with their moms. The ones that call their moms with any kind of exciting news or even just because they found an awesome deal on a shirt at TJ Maxx. The ones that get to go shopping with their moms. The ones that are in their 20's and 30's and their moms still take them shopping like they used to when they were in their teens. The ones that want to just go hang out with their mom when they dont have anything else to do. The ones who have a baby and their mom comes and stays with them and helps them at every step of the way. The ones who call their moms for advice on life, outfits, cooking, and babies.
I don't have that. I am not saying this for sympathy, It is just time I talk about it.
I will say, because I know there are so many out there that don't. I do have a relationship with my mom, I talk to her every once in a while. And we are by no means, on bad terms. She can see Noah when she wants, it isn't anything like that (although there was definitely a time in my life where I thought it would be). But we have just never had that "mother/daughter" relationship that so many have, and I just hate that I missed out on such an important part of life.

It has affected me in so many aspects of my life. And I really didn't realize it until after Allen and I got married. I found out rather quickly that his mom loves to give and help. This was such a change in my life, I didn't know how to handle it. I welcomed it, it was great, but it was hard for me to adjust to have someone willing to help us. Allen was used to it and didn't really understand why I was so hesitant, but when you aren't used to someone so willing to be there for you and help if needed, your brain just doesn't know how to process it. I had to be so independent for so long and now there is someone in my life that is willing to be there when and if I need her, for anything. I just couldn't quite wrap my brain around it. (I had people in my life that took care of me, that is not what I am saying at all, just not my mom, like a "mom" is supposed to be.)
I still struggle a little today with Noah, asking for help when needed. I feel like I am supposed to be able to do it by myself and I just don't understand why I can't sometimes. And I always feel terrible asking someone to watch him for me. Even if it is just for an hour or two, I just feel guilty asking. Allen on the other hand, growing up with a great mom just picks up with phone, calls his mom and asks, no emotions attached.I just wonder if there will be a day when I get to that point...

I know for a fact though, that God places people in your life for a reason. Growing up, I always had "staple" friends. I was never really a social butterfly. I had my BFF's and we stuck together for years. And with my BFF's came their mom's. Who every single one of them, took me in as their own. (I guess they kind of had to considering I was at their house just about every weekend :) but still) I got to see what having a "normal" mom would be like, and I thank them for that SSOOO much! Mrs. Jane, Mrs. Tammy, and Mrs. Mysti, You all were there for me in ways you probably dont even know and I really thank you.

But because of what I went through I want to be a better mom than what I had and I am striving every day to do it. I know I am who I am BECAUSE of what I have been through NOT despite it. And I have always, always said "everything happens for a reason". This is not the easiest thing to remember but I always have to remind myself of it.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."