Growing up, I thought I was the only one in the world. I was surrounded by wonderful people and no one else was like me. Now that I am older, I have found that there are a lot more people than I thought that had a similar situation that I had and it makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin. Well, a little more comfortable anyways.
I will admit, I am jealous of those around me that have these awesome relationships with their moms. The ones that call their moms with any kind of exciting news or even just because they found an awesome deal on a shirt at TJ Maxx. The ones that get to go shopping with their moms. The ones that are in their 20's and 30's and their moms still take them shopping like they used to when they were in their teens. The ones that want to just go hang out with their mom when they dont have anything else to do. The ones who have a baby and their mom comes and stays with them and helps them at every step of the way. The ones who call their moms for advice on life, outfits, cooking, and babies.
I don't have that. I am not saying this for sympathy, It is just time I talk about it.
I will say, because I know there are so many out there that don't. I do have a relationship with my mom, I talk to her every once in a while. And we are by no means, on bad terms. She can see Noah when she wants, it isn't anything like that (although there was definitely a time in my life where I thought it would be). But we have just never had that "mother/daughter" relationship that so many have, and I just hate that I missed out on such an important part of life.
It has affected me in so many aspects of my life. And I really didn't realize it until after Allen and I got married. I found out rather quickly that his mom loves to give and help. This was such a change in my life, I didn't know how to handle it. I welcomed it, it was great, but it was hard for me to adjust to have someone willing to help us. Allen was used to it and didn't really understand why I was so hesitant, but when you aren't used to someone so willing to be there for you and help if needed, your brain just doesn't know how to process it. I had to be so independent for so long and now there is someone in my life that is willing to be there when and if I need her, for anything. I just couldn't quite wrap my brain around it. (I had people in my life that took care of me, that is not what I am saying at all, just not my mom, like a "mom" is supposed to be.)
I still struggle a little today with Noah, asking for help when needed. I feel like I am supposed to be able to do it by myself and I just don't understand why I can't sometimes. And I always feel terrible asking someone to watch him for me. Even if it is just for an hour or two, I just feel guilty asking. Allen on the other hand, growing up with a great mom just picks up with phone, calls his mom and asks, no emotions attached.I just wonder if there will be a day when I get to that point...
I know for a fact though, that God places people in your life for a reason. Growing up, I always had "staple" friends. I was never really a social butterfly. I had my BFF's and we stuck together for years. And with my BFF's came their mom's. Who every single one of them, took me in as their own. (I guess they kind of had to considering I was at their house just about every weekend :) but still) I got to see what having a "normal" mom would be like, and I thank them for that SSOOO much! Mrs. Jane, Mrs. Tammy, and Mrs. Mysti, You all were there for me in ways you probably dont even know and I really thank you.
But because of what I went through I want to be a better mom than what I had and I am striving every day to do it. I know I am who I am BECAUSE of what I have been through NOT despite it. And I have always, always said "everything happens for a reason". This is not the easiest thing to remember but I always have to remind myself of it.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."